***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
it's great music for shaving your balls
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
