I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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