a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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