he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
