I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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