its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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