Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
