I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
