Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
