i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
