Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
