A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
