If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
