Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
