My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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