You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
