Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
zippers are such a cool invention
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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