am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Randomize
