this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
