grandma shit on top of the toilet
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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