My sheets look like a crime scene.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
