Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
