Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
