I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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