If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
