God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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