I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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