I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
