Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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