I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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