i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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