The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just sucked dick on a ferry
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
