apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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