a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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