But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
