I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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