She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
