Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
