Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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