You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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