weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
