At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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