Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
