his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
