Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Randomize
