just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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