It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
