theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
