Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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