We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
